I sat motionless beside the moving water and embraced the moment; stillness among such rage. I sat this way, silent and unmoving, while a foot ahead, the river raged on.
A breeze, in absence of any wind, on my exposed neck sent shivers down my spine. I felt open to the world around me – happily on the receiving end of whatever is intended for me.
I smiled, stood, and shook the earth that clung to my legs. It felt like the right time to move.
As I walked along the water’s edge, I consciously opened myself to the sounds around me. Some of them, I imagined, were carried along the river, meant just for my ears. They vibrated through me, bringing with them a focus I craved.
I made a sharp turn to climb up the embankment. Sweating now, the sun beat on my back and my legs burned from the incline. To my left, I spotted a cavernous area that I’d never noticed before.
I stood at the cave’s entrance; my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I scanned the inside. It was empty and cold and didn’t feel like somewhere I want to spend any more time.
‘Hello,’ I said sweetly into the darkness.
No answer.
“What? No answer?’ I shouted.
Once again, no response.
As I turned to leave the echo finally reached me, but I had committed to leaving the darkness. My eyes squinted and adjusted to the beautiful sunshine that hit my face. That echo can forever live in the darkness; some messages were never intended to be received, the delay too great.
The sun, and my resolve to move forward, towards it, added a little kick to my step. I made quick work of the rest of the hill and before I knew it, I was on the other side. My legs moved faster and faster underneath me as I descended, so as to avoid falling. I could feel my heart under the outer layers pounding, both from fear of falling and the exertion of the climb.
In the final stretch, a melody crept into my ear. I hummed along to its song - it’s an oldie, but a goodie. The lyrics came to me, piece by piece, like a puzzle I had been trying to solve. The song filled my head for the remainder of my walk home and when I cross the threshold I was in full song,
‘And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine, yeah
The closer I am to fine, yeah’
Three children ran to me, their singing, smiling, refreshed mama. May they always remember me walking in the door this way – smiling and in song – arms outstretched for them.
Their little hands reached for mine; they pulled me further inside and as they did, they filled me in on everything that I had missed - stories saved just for me. The silence and stillness of the river, gone, replaced by the chaos of three littles talking over one another, excited that I am home.
I got the message; I felt it in a breeze, vibrations along the water, in a delayed echo, the rhythm of my heart, and in the deafening love of my three children. Every question that I had is answered with one simple truth – I don’t need answers. I don’t need anything; not from you.
And, with one walk, I am closer to fine.