It seems to be 4am when my mind turns on and with it, everything floods in. I begin to replay conversations I’ll never get back; I’ll never have the opportunity for my witty comeback, thought of only after we’d hung up. I scroll through the pictures that hurt too much to view during the day. I watch a video of myself sweeping, busting at 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I look over the budget and wonder if the kids are going to get to go away to school, if braces are going to break the bank, and dream of a vacation home. I sit up straight, remember the laundry that, many hours earlier, I placed in the wash. I vow to do better today, to be the mom that they need. I promise myself that I will yell less.
I jot down sentences into Notepad that have been turning in my head. Words roll off my tongue and onto the screen. I think about the song that touched my heart earlier, look up the lyrics, send the song out to those who will appreciate it like I do. Into the bathroom I move, wash the day before from my face. I should have done this before I fell asleep, I’ve always been horrible at washing my face before bed. I vow to be better tomorrow. I sneak down the stairs, I don’t drink water often, but I know I should drink more. It’s good for me, better than coffee. I down a glass and vow to drink more of it when the sun is up too. I head into each bedroom, all three of them, and kiss them on the forehead and marvel at what we have created. It seems to be 4am when I remember that there should be 4 bedrooms, this thought hits me hardest at 4am.